| || || || || |
|» Anniversary ... what does that mean. What did change? I dunno.
A lot changed for bad and a lot for good. Still feeling good together. But also problems appear and vanish sometimes, but when they are vanished and ignored long enough they hit you. The worst thing about it is that it is all about me: my fears and my attitude. I urgent want to change my thinking, my thoughts and my attitude. Less hate and more of an “I don’t care” attitude. So much hate, anger and bad words. And afterwards I dunno where they come from?! From underneath…
A lot to deal with… distance from home. Though I know it is necessary, an important point in life. Maybe 1 ½ years left and there may be an end in sight. Always this counting, but I accept it as a part of my life. Counting how much time is left until an event. I need it for setting a timetable and setting goals. I like dealing and learning languages and also some projects, but now I am afraid what will await me. Will I be able to do it? Is it the right thing?
I want to finish it, I never leave anything unfinished, I have to be satisfied with the result and I can be glad about what I have already done. But I often forget it. He always says he is proud and he knew it will go well. Would only I be so secure… Distance from my family, it sometimes breaks my heart not being able to come there for a jump or being there for special events. He says I could, but somehow I feel like I am not able to do anything without him. That sometimes is missing. But like this weekend shows, it is nothing bad or sad. It does good to both of us. We both need it. Did I always act like that? I don’t know when I have turned to be so stubborn and totally not the way I want to be. I want to be full of joy, motivation, love. And less fears that catch me every time. Like nightmares and bad thoughts, that lead my life in another direction, it is like I want to turn right and I turn left. All those struggles … I am old enough. Too old for such problems. Or not?
In my opinion we often are too critical with ourselves, always seeing the bad things and never what is positive. Like I am ambitious, everything I want can functionate. Even if I may need more time than others, in the end only the result counts. How can I get the seriousness away? I should enjoy more and take life and challenges easy. How boring would life be without challenges! I should be kinder with the people I like and love. Appreciate them and show it. Appreciate the time I have and we have together. Now it is time to change my attitude and sort my priorities new. Now.
Today is anniversary. A good day to start new. Shut down the old program and open the very new one. I wish the program good luck. «
|» what if someone can't improve?
what if someone can't change?
what if someone attracts the bad and the black?
What if someone is afraid of so much, but not of one thing?
what if someone is courageous, but not in the right moments?
what if someone wants to talk, but can't find the words and voice in this moment?
what if someone plans to do something, but when the moment comes, all is gone?
what if someone wants to appreciate things, but immediately is not able to any more or forgets to?
what if time is too fast and always not enough?
what if you are stressing your future? making plans that will never come true?
what if you have lots of love to give, but keep it secret?
what if hatred and pain are stronger than love and trust?
what if you lose the fight?
what if your doubts take over control?
what if you prove a lot of things .. but it is never enough?
what if you are ashamed of so many things?
what if you have a wrong view of life?
what if it matters more how others live, instead of your own way of life?
what if your problems are so worse, you lose direction?
what if you problems take over control and you think others do not have any?
what if you are afraid of everything? of people getting to close?
what if you are pushing away people, instead of holding them?
what if you lose your laugh, and tend to be bad?
what if you do not understand yourself any more?
what if you feel lonely all the time?
what if somebody screams at you, and you lose your voice?
what if you only want to run away, escape it all?
how to gain trust - how to trust - when it has been broken a lot of times?
how to trust love, if so many do not understand love your way?
what if you feel lonely, inbetween a huge group of people?
what if you silently cry under the shower?
what if you want to change but fall back every time?
what if it feels safer in the hole than outside?
what if cold and black are your home?
what if you always expect the bad because of not getting disappointed?
never lose hope they said .. trust love they said .. but they are the first ones to blame you if something is not working the way it should. it is your fault they say, without knowing of any scream, any pain, any hurt, any punishment, any word said, any insider knowledge?
people talk a lot when the day is long .. but it can hurt for days!
trust yourself they said .. but what if you fooled yourself ? can your trust such a person? that changes its opinion in one minute. that feels heavy stones in the stomach, after a simple word? a word can change everything . expectations . hope . joy . it can disturb and devaste your dreams. destroy everything . like a war . something breaks in silence . you can't say a word due to the pain. but pretend it is nothing special. I do not care. I am on my own, and strong enough, and proud.
in the centre of it all .. «
|» january. 2017.
new year and feeling melancholic about how it will go, what will change, will something develop?
fears are back. I am not sure if worse than the last year(s) but with a drive. It is extremely existent in this month. Expecting and dreaming a lot as well as fearing a lot. Fear of losing people. Not any longer fear of unfulfilling things; but fear of not being there enough or spending or enjoying time with wonderful people as much as I should. Still the thought of missing something. Losing roots. Though they cannot be lost. I am firmly rooted and never lose it, but new changes always provoke doubts and fear. I know about my strong background and am mostly secure of it, and appreciating and perceiving the time. Maybe it is just the month that makes it seem so hard.
Positive images and motivating clauses everywhere, but sometimes they don't reach me.
Sometimes it is okay to be some miles away from real home, sometimes I break inside of missing.
I am thinking of holiday plans now and my plans how to reach my goals. Although I am really satisfied with myself and how I am doing.
Except for caring for my one and only. Stupid things entering my mind, stupid words leaving my mouth, as keen as a razor.. but I am trying hard. I try to believe, hope, trust. °Trust in our feelings, our past, our future. My crazy plan I can't tell anyone. Stupid but it is easier to tell negative things than telling a plan about an own family. I am just thinking too much about money too. But I am aware of my wonderful people. A wonderful family, with human mistakes but a very strong support and understanding. A wonderful guy, who always looks after me, tries and does everything to make and see me happy - really everything - and tells me he is proud of me. Sometimes.
That's why I am going to drive home to his family, which is a hard thing to do for me. Though they are all nice and everything, I hid for nearly 8 months now from them. Escaped. But did it make me feel better? Well, I don't know. I try to be as happy and positive as at the beginning of our love story. That is one of my goals. Being positive and opportunistic in everything I do, especially when I am with him and my precious people. I want to go on beautiful relaxing holidays and gather power and strength. I want to get a positive outlook and disposition, outside and inside. Keeping bad thoughts and doubts as far away as possible. And looking forward to the future. To spring and summer. Spending as much time as home and using it as well, going on excursions, celebrating, going to festivites and enjoying good music. I can't wait for it. Another thing that makes me feel bad when thinking of it is, he visiting his sister for more days, I am really afraid of it.. And I am afraid of going abroad. That is a reason why I think I simply can't do it. It is against my nature. I only could go with my people around me. But months without them? I am sure it would make me stronger and more indipendent, making decisions on my own and not always rely on somebody else. But I can't. I want to build my life here. I am too old and firmly rooted with my home here..maybe I am also afraid something would change or I would change. But I see pictures. And want to have it too. Although I know now I am not ready yet. He is. But me not. Waiting. Praying for a good future. And for health for everyone. Freedom. Peace. The Sun. What a wonderful future we will have. When I get back to my hometown, hoping it will be possible. What a opportunistic view. Happy. Glad. Fortunate. Lucky. Aware. Truth. Time. Loved. «
|» when fear changes everything «
|» I want to report my latest news of 2016 as the end of the year is arriving and a lot changed.
one stable and charming and wonderful fact is that he is still in my life, even if I often wonder why and how . Why is he still with me, after all the hard times. How can it be we got over such bad situations? not unforgotten but happened.
I ran away. Many times. It was not good and it did not really help or bring us further.
I am used to running away, catching breath when it is too much. When something happened I can't cope with. And that can be a little tiny thing, it can cause a disaster. Especially when it's raining, sitting on a bank in the forest and only listening. I got ill afterwards, but it was ok. Didn't help though, and he was angry and didn't understand my action, I had the inner force to do it.
And once he ran with me. Went with me and talked to me.
I can't tell how much he means to me. Maybe I am interpreting too much, sure thinking too much, caring too much. But he is the reason why I am trying a lot, why I am happy, why I can laugh and love, why I believe in me sometimes and in us. The reason why I believe my life has a sense, and that I matter, that he cares so much for me, wants me to feel as comfortable as possible. Unbelievable lovely. Though I didnt want to go so deep .. I fell into it and am afraid what would happen if we lose this special connection we have.
Talking got a bit less, at the beginning I was more corageous and open and telling every thing, asked a lot to find out about him in person. The most wonderful person, seeming to have to failures and make no mistakes. Though i know he does. He is human. His priorities, his lovely help, his smile that drives me crazy, his sweet laugh that makes the sun shining in my heart, the best that could ever happen to me. Accepting me, respecting me, helping me, trying to understand me, doing things with me. And since 2 months living with me. And caring such a lot for me. Giving me power. Power to carry on, to live, to try and accept my self. My depressing self. My desperate self. He loves his family, and I accept it. Or more it is like with me. I love mine too. It has a high priority. But when he is with them, and not with me, my thoughts turn to doubts and drive me crazy. I don't write and he writes, but my imagination turns it wrong and it ends in a discussion and a bad situation. We get out of it but it happens again. All the time we are separated and not together. And I know this and the fact I am talking less, he talks less of preventing discussions, hurts our relationship. A lot of scars. My parents don't understand it, I don't understand it, but i can't tell anybody else. It's crazy and self-damaging.I want to keep it, want a life together and even more, but I don't know if we can keep it and until when.
As I mentioned I know live away from home. My so called 2nd home, where i try to fulfil my dreams and expectations, learn, challenge myself, get indipendent and be together. It is hard. As hard as I imagined it. Though it's not so far away from home, i count the time until I can return. And i will return. Though I am not so sure of finding work there.. want to be with my family.
I like weekends here, but I am also looking forward returning home. And as he doesn't want to join me as much as I would like to, it is hard and another challenge. My life is full of challenges now I don't want to take. And I risked a change, I wasn't sure I would be able to, but somehow it worked. Because it couldn't go on like it any more.
I miss home. I miss my room, my people, my town, my old work.
Now I have to learn, am not always motivated, but want to train my brain and do the best I can, the best possible.
Excited how it will go on next year and what 2017 brings.
2016: a holiday in Italy, also with a little negative touch but great fun and always good spending time together
a holiday in Ireland: unbelievable beautiful and special being together. felt good also if I never have been on holiday so long alone with the family.
2015 a holiday in a therme, also unimaginable good and good memories
2016 also a year of forced family visits - to his family and sister - but i hope they get less next year, as I don't fit into it and have special less time now which I want to spend with my beloved ones.
now no visits any more to Vienna, what was also special. But feeling kind of a guest now anyway because he cares so much for me.
Soon the end of a thrilling year, it was good although totally different to any other. Feeling comfortable in our flat, nice decorated, positive touch. Getting to bed with the most important person in my life and waking up beside him, the best thing I can imagine.
Also I am thinking a lot about children, as a lot of the ladies at my age have one already, and he likes children a lot and can deal with them extremely well.. hopefully the thoughts get less.
Also thinking about a pet, but won't get us one, because of time and holiday limitations.
|» where there's a will - there's a way kinda beautiful..
monday left me broken
tuesday i was through with hoping
wednesday my empty arms were open ..
a song that means so much to me as it was in a really Special month this year.
i just came around here and had a look and i can't believe what can happen in a year. in a month / a day / an hour. can Change every single Thing!
and as i am here i now can write some words down..some fresh..some still fresh but with dried tears..
it all started "well".. Messages came and went.. and my miss and me met the german forest People. i was expecting a lot. and nothing came true. nothing happened. but i felt so damn bad as before in summer. and it took some weeks to work it out. and then the contact to a Special Person got less, before it was daily, then weekly then nearly every two weeks. but i was still happy to have the contact.
at work it was awesome, we went eating had fun together, great evenings and parties.
and i distanced to ant. but then i thought, why not and try it out and we met and got a bit closer.
then we travelled to our favourite Country: this time more People but such an amazing unforgettable trip with unforgettable moments and Pictures in my mind, such lovely and nice People and the great culture. we want to do it once again in life, as it was so Special and maybe influenced as all a bit.
Then we returned, and i still met him. We ran together - last time with our lovely "big" Darling. and then the unexpected happened.
She got ill. We didnt see the signs early enough or i don't know.
And i remember the Day in May..when she left us. i was sad, as i haven't been for a Long time.. it hurt and broke us all. Also now we aren't used to the silence, but she's still here, i know it, i feel it. and we love her. forever. It was a really hard time, nothing really helped, except us all Feeling the same and talking about the pain. it gone so fast, and as we 2 were alone this day, i will never Forget it, and the pain she maybe has felt..so it really was better she travelled all the way to heaven and have it better there..
also a bit distraction he gave me, the lost contact, who came back into my life, i don't know why or how exactly, but he got some Kind of important Support to me. and the contact didnt broke up till now, it is still remaining and i hope it will remains a very very Long time! my love.
then i also had a changeover when my miss went away for some months - but it got better and we visited her and had a crazy time.
a crazy night with dirty talk and kisses.
and the adventure park, again so Special and now we have the smell of it at home <3 i can't explain it. and everywhere he was somehow with me. in my mind. in my heart.
we had super Holidays and Dance appearances!
and then finally in July we met. It was quite a hot day, and we talked and talked, and it was so Special, open and funny... i mean as i got to know him it also was unsimilar to anything i've ever experienced. like a bit of a soulmate.
and i took all my Courage and after a visit all went clearer.. and so it all began and having a great time, enjoying every single Minute.
And last month another shock happened, like unluck is here this year..
one of our "Little" Darlings - mine - looked bad, and the day after we wanted to have a look, she disappeared and returned some days later, looking even worse than before! tears..when i saw here..tears..when i remember it.
And the same day she also travelled all the way to heaven. but we had some minutes, sleeping side by side and some kinda talking.
But it was another bad big brick..
and now we have a good look at our left Darling.
good things happen, but also bad things.
up's & down's .. thats life. i know.
but to experience it on your own is something totally different.
so the year isn't over now - but i hope that was the bad side of this year anyway cause it was a lot more than we can carry.. «