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|» 13 days in 2017 left. A chance to leave some things behind and don't turn around and a chance to start new things, work on them, changes. Always afraid of these changes. But some need to be done, it doesn't matter how hard they seem at the beginning. When you look back you sometimes may think: "What? I was afraid of that? Never! But it was easier..." A lot changed. Positive and negative. Up's & Down's. Learning myself better, though I often don't understand myself. Still a lot of fear, doing something without him, counting days and nights, forgetting everything else. My important music that always helps me. My dancing. My walking or running. The powerful forests and the necessarity of silence sometimes. The importance of family. I want to appreciate time more. We don't know how much is left for us. My caring boyfriend. He nearly daily conjures a smile in my face. He spoils me and treats me well. Rarely criticizes. Not so me. I am too honest often not thinking what could be the reaction to my action. Ruined his birthday out of ignorance. I am sorry for that. He will always remember it. But I try to make other days better instead, as I cannot change the past. I met his family again after 1 year where I reached not seeing them. They visited us in July. But after one day in our (little) flat (and I am not used to so many people and such little space) I didn't like it anymore. I am used to more freedom. Same when visiting them and when his sister is there too. Hiding in the room (but not only) but the screaming, the noise of the little boy always talking to MY boyfriend (am I jealous cause of a little kid??). A walk with only us two livened the situation up but no moment there was really good. I don't feel well there. How will it be tomorrow in one week? I try not to worry too much and to be not too much afraid of it..
Now to successful experiences also in this term. I am surprised of what I am able to. What I am able to learn and do. And still this term I try to divide better between "work" and "freetime" and I think it improved a bit. But I am not sure yet. 3 weeks holidays and 4 weeks of the term left .. Gosh time is running!
Unspoken dreams and wishes. I have a lot of them. I cannot talk about because it seems embarassing, thinking of the future - imagining it. The most funny thing for me is, others like studying and think of what work or study can follow after finishing this one. My only thought is: finishing it, returning home and wanting a family. But first next summer maybe another task -> an animal to look after. Maybe it helps feeling less lonely in this big city.
At least I see mountains everywhere around, makes it feel a bit more like home. <3
Thanks year 2017, good & bad, but the best things: my family in the back, my home, the best boyfriend and successful achieved goals.
2018: I hope for more successful experiences and coming closer to my dream of complesion. «
|» Anniversary ... what does that mean. What did change? I dunno.
A lot changed for bad and a lot for good. Still feeling good together. But also problems appear and vanish sometimes, but when they are vanished and ignored long enough they hit you. The worst thing about it is that it is all about me: my fears and my attitude. I urgent want to change my thinking, my thoughts and my attitude. Less hate and more of an “I don’t care” attitude. So much hate, anger and bad words. And afterwards I dunno where they come from?! From underneath…
A lot to deal with… distance from home. Though I know it is necessary, an important point in life. Maybe 1 ½ years left and there may be an end in sight. Always this counting, but I accept it as a part of my life. Counting how much time is left until an event. I need it for setting a timetable and setting goals. I like dealing and learning languages and also some projects, but now I am afraid what will await me. Will I be able to do it? Is it the right thing?
I want to finish it, I never leave anything unfinished, I have to be satisfied with the result and I can be glad about what I have already done. But I often forget it. He always says he is proud and he knew it will go well. Would only I be so secure… Distance from my family, it sometimes breaks my heart not being able to come there for a jump or being there for special events. He says I could, but somehow I feel like I am not able to do anything without him. That sometimes is missing. But like this weekend shows, it is nothing bad or sad. It does good to both of us. We both need it. Did I always act like that? I don’t know when I have turned to be so stubborn and totally not the way I want to be. I want to be full of joy, motivation, love. And less fears that catch me every time. Like nightmares and bad thoughts, that lead my life in another direction, it is like I want to turn right and I turn left. All those struggles … I am old enough. Too old for such problems. Or not?
In my opinion we often are too critical with ourselves, always seeing the bad things and never what is positive. Like I am ambitious, everything I want can functionate. Even if I may need more time than others, in the end only the result counts. How can I get the seriousness away? I should enjoy more and take life and challenges easy. How boring would life be without challenges! I should be kinder with the people I like and love. Appreciate them and show it. Appreciate the time I have and we have together. Now it is time to change my attitude and sort my priorities new. Now.
Today is anniversary. A good day to start new. Shut down the old program and open the very new one. I wish the program good luck. «
|» what if someone can't improve?
what if someone can't change?
what if someone attracts the bad and the black?
What if someone is afraid of so much, but not of one thing?
what if someone is courageous, but not in the right moments?
what if someone wants to talk, but can't find the words and voice in this moment?
what if someone plans to do something, but when the moment comes, all is gone?
what if someone wants to appreciate things, but immediately is not able to any more or forgets to?
what if time is too fast and always not enough?
what if you are stressing your future? making plans that will never come true?
what if you have lots of love to give, but keep it secret?
what if hatred and pain are stronger than love and trust?
what if you lose the fight?
what if your doubts take over control?
what if you prove a lot of things .. but it is never enough?
what if you are ashamed of so many things?
what if you have a wrong view of life?
what if it matters more how others live, instead of your own way of life?
what if your problems are so worse, you lose direction?
what if you problems take over control and you think others do not have any?
what if you are afraid of everything? of people getting to close?
what if you are pushing away people, instead of holding them?
what if you lose your laugh, and tend to be bad?
what if you do not understand yourself any more?
what if you feel lonely all the time?
what if somebody screams at you, and you lose your voice?
what if you only want to run away, escape it all?
how to gain trust - how to trust - when it has been broken a lot of times?
how to trust love, if so many do not understand love your way?
what if you feel lonely, inbetween a huge group of people?
what if you silently cry under the shower?
what if you want to change but fall back every time?
what if it feels safer in the hole than outside?
what if cold and black are your home?
what if you always expect the bad because of not getting disappointed?
never lose hope they said .. trust love they said .. but they are the first ones to blame you if something is not working the way it should. it is your fault they say, without knowing of any scream, any pain, any hurt, any punishment, any word said, any insider knowledge?
people talk a lot when the day is long .. but it can hurt for days!
trust yourself they said .. but what if you fooled yourself ? can your trust such a person? that changes its opinion in one minute. that feels heavy stones in the stomach, after a simple word? a word can change everything . expectations . hope . joy . it can disturb and devaste your dreams. destroy everything . like a war . something breaks in silence . you can't say a word due to the pain. but pretend it is nothing special. I do not care. I am on my own, and strong enough, and proud.
in the centre of it all .. «
|» january. 2017.
new year and feeling melancholic about how it will go, what will change, will something develop?
fears are back. I am not sure if worse than the last year(s) but with a drive. It is extremely existent in this month. Expecting and dreaming a lot as well as fearing a lot. Fear of losing people. Not any longer fear of unfulfilling things; but fear of not being there enough or spending or enjoying time with wonderful people as much as I should. Still the thought of missing something. Losing roots. Though they cannot be lost. I am firmly rooted and never lose it, but new changes always provoke doubts and fear. I know about my strong background and am mostly secure of it, and appreciating and perceiving the time. Maybe it is just the month that makes it seem so hard.
Positive images and motivating clauses everywhere, but sometimes they don't reach me.
Sometimes it is okay to be some miles away from real home, sometimes I break inside of missing.
I am thinking of holiday plans now and my plans how to reach my goals. Although I am really satisfied with myself and how I am doing.
Except for caring for my one and only. Stupid things entering my mind, stupid words leaving my mouth, as keen as a razor.. but I am trying hard. I try to believe, hope, trust. °Trust in our feelings, our past, our future. My crazy plan I can't tell anyone. Stupid but it is easier to tell negative things than telling a plan about an own family. I am just thinking too much about money too. But I am aware of my wonderful people. A wonderful family, with human mistakes but a very strong support and understanding. A wonderful guy, who always looks after me, tries and does everything to make and see me happy - really everything - and tells me he is proud of me. Sometimes.
That's why I am going to drive home to his family, which is a hard thing to do for me. Though they are all nice and everything, I hid for nearly 8 months now from them. Escaped. But did it make me feel better? Well, I don't know. I try to be as happy and positive as at the beginning of our love story. That is one of my goals. Being positive and opportunistic in everything I do, especially when I am with him and my precious people. I want to go on beautiful relaxing holidays and gather power and strength. I want to get a positive outlook and disposition, outside and inside. Keeping bad thoughts and doubts as far away as possible. And looking forward to the future. To spring and summer. Spending as much time as home and using it as well, going on excursions, celebrating, going to festivites and enjoying good music. I can't wait for it. Another thing that makes me feel bad when thinking of it is, he visiting his sister for more days, I am really afraid of it.. And I am afraid of going abroad. That is a reason why I think I simply can't do it. It is against my nature. I only could go with my people around me. But months without them? I am sure it would make me stronger and more indipendent, making decisions on my own and not always rely on somebody else. But I can't. I want to build my life here. I am too old and firmly rooted with my home here..maybe I am also afraid something would change or I would change. But I see pictures. And want to have it too. Although I know now I am not ready yet. He is. But me not. Waiting. Praying for a good future. And for health for everyone. Freedom. Peace. The Sun. What a wonderful future we will have. When I get back to my hometown, hoping it will be possible. What a opportunistic view. Happy. Glad. Fortunate. Lucky. Aware. Truth. Time. Loved. «
|» when fear changes everything «
|» I want to report my latest news of 2016 as the end of the year is arriving and a lot changed.
one stable and charming and wonderful fact is that he is still in my life, even if I often wonder why and how . Why is he still with me, after all the hard times. How can it be we got over such bad situations? not unforgotten but happened.
I ran away. Many times. It was not good and it did not really help or bring us further.
I am used to running away, catching breath when it is too much. When something happened I can't cope with. And that can be a little tiny thing, it can cause a disaster. Especially when it's raining, sitting on a bank in the forest and only listening. I got ill afterwards, but it was ok. Didn't help though, and he was angry and didn't understand my action, I had the inner force to do it.
And once he ran with me. Went with me and talked to me.
I can't tell how much he means to me. Maybe I am interpreting too much, sure thinking too much, caring too much. But he is the reason why I am trying a lot, why I am happy, why I can laugh and love, why I believe in me sometimes and in us. The reason why I believe my life has a sense, and that I matter, that he cares so much for me, wants me to feel as comfortable as possible. Unbelievable lovely. Though I didnt want to go so deep .. I fell into it and am afraid what would happen if we lose this special connection we have.
Talking got a bit less, at the beginning I was more corageous and open and telling every thing, asked a lot to find out about him in person. The most wonderful person, seeming to have to failures and make no mistakes. Though i know he does. He is human. His priorities, his lovely help, his smile that drives me crazy, his sweet laugh that makes the sun shining in my heart, the best that could ever happen to me. Accepting me, respecting me, helping me, trying to understand me, doing things with me. And since 2 months living with me. And caring such a lot for me. Giving me power. Power to carry on, to live, to try and accept my self. My depressing self. My desperate self. He loves his family, and I accept it. Or more it is like with me. I love mine too. It has a high priority. But when he is with them, and not with me, my thoughts turn to doubts and drive me crazy. I don't write and he writes, but my imagination turns it wrong and it ends in a discussion and a bad situation. We get out of it but it happens again. All the time we are separated and not together. And I know this and the fact I am talking less, he talks less of preventing discussions, hurts our relationship. A lot of scars. My parents don't understand it, I don't understand it, but i can't tell anybody else. It's crazy and self-damaging.I want to keep it, want a life together and even more, but I don't know if we can keep it and until when.
As I mentioned I know live away from home. My so called 2nd home, where i try to fulfil my dreams and expectations, learn, challenge myself, get indipendent and be together. It is hard. As hard as I imagined it. Though it's not so far away from home, i count the time until I can return. And i will return. Though I am not so sure of finding work there.. want to be with my family.
I like weekends here, but I am also looking forward returning home. And as he doesn't want to join me as much as I would like to, it is hard and another challenge. My life is full of challenges now I don't want to take. And I risked a change, I wasn't sure I would be able to, but somehow it worked. Because it couldn't go on like it any more.
I miss home. I miss my room, my people, my town, my old work.
Now I have to learn, am not always motivated, but want to train my brain and do the best I can, the best possible.
Excited how it will go on next year and what 2017 brings.
2016: a holiday in Italy, also with a little negative touch but great fun and always good spending time together
a holiday in Ireland: unbelievable beautiful and special being together. felt good also if I never have been on holiday so long alone with the family.
2015 a holiday in a therme, also unimaginable good and good memories
2016 also a year of forced family visits - to his family and sister - but i hope they get less next year, as I don't fit into it and have special less time now which I want to spend with my beloved ones.
now no visits any more to Vienna, what was also special. But feeling kind of a guest now anyway because he cares so much for me.
Soon the end of a thrilling year, it was good although totally different to any other. Feeling comfortable in our flat, nice decorated, positive touch. Getting to bed with the most important person in my life and waking up beside him, the best thing I can imagine.
Also I am thinking a lot about children, as a lot of the ladies at my age have one already, and he likes children a lot and can deal with them extremely well.. hopefully the thoughts get less.
Also thinking about a pet, but won't get us one, because of time and holiday limitations.